When being too nice is no longer a virtue
Posted on November 14, 2008
Perhaps your parents had told you repeatedly in the past that you should always be nice and polite in your dealings with other people — be it your relatives, neighbors, schoolmates, teachers, officemates, and everyone in your sphere of influence.
“Remember to greet all the guests lest you offend anyone,” your Mom had probably told you during your birthday party.
“Don’t ever say no to your relatives’ requests. That’s impolite.”
“Always smile. It’s not good to show to others you’re upset with something.”
And so on and so forth.
Their point was, we should always be nice regardless of the discomforts or inconveniences some circumstances (and people) bring. Well, at least, that’s what you had been told by your respected elders and something you eventually believed in. This is particularly true in Asian cultures.
But when does being nice become an impediment in your relationship with others? The answer: When it already affects and stifles your self-growth.
It’s not advisable to be too nice to people all the time; one should set healthy boundaries. Being someone else’s doormat does not do any good to your well-being as a person. People take advantage of you, and that’s not a good thing. On the one hand, you don’t get the respect that you deserve as an individual and, as a result, you succumb to depression and/or lose self-confidence. On the other hand, you encourage others to become insensitive and ungrateful takers of your love, time, energy and money, which is a bad thing.
In their book Boundaries: When to Say Yes and When to Say No, psychologists and inspirational speakers Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend write that having clear boundaries in one’s relationships is crucial to having a healthy, balanced lifestyle. They discuss what boundaries are, how they are developed, and how to use them.
Cloud and Townsend emphasize that it’s important to draw the line in our relationships. They write: “Just as homeowners set physical property lines around their land, we need to set mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual boundaries for our lives to help us distinguish what is our responsibility and what isn’t…The inability to set appropriate boundaries at appropriate times with the appropriate people can be very destructive.”
The authors add that many Christians struggle with “tremendous confusion about when it is appropriate to set limits” and raise the following questions when faced with their obvious lack of boundaries (the book addresses these questions):
1. Can I set limits and still be a loving person?
2. What are legitimate boundaries?
3. What if someone is upset or hurt by my boundaries?
4. How do I answer someone who wants my time, love, energy, or money?
5. Why do I feel guilty or afraid when I consider setting boundaries?
6. How do boundaries relate to submission?
7. Around boundaries selfish?
Unfortunately, misinformation about the Bible’s answers to these questions has led to lots of wrong teaching about boundaries, Cloud and Townsend claim. In addition to this, they say that many clinical psychological symptoms — e.g., depression, anxiety, addictions, eating disorders, guilt problems, shame issues, marital struggles, and what-have-you — find their root in conflicts with boundaries.
While the book was written by Christian psychologists for Christian readers, everyone can benefit from the nuggets of psychological information, supplemented by Biblical wisdom, on a highly universal topic such as conflicts in relationships. Cloud and Townsend, after all, are psychologists by profession, who have used their expertise to help those miserably trapped in boundary-less relationships.
Now, reflect on how you manage your relationships. Are you pleasing your spouse too much at the expense of your personal preferences and inclinations? Are you always the one contacting your ‘friend,’ who seems to be not too keen to return your calls and answer your e-mails because “he/she is too busy and swamped with work”? Do you always find yourself in situations when you always say “yes” to people when, deep inside, you really want to say “no”? Do you always feel you have to work hard for your friendships or other relationships on a super-pleaser mode? If you have answered “yes” to most or all of these questions, then it’s time for you to take control of your life and set healthy boundaries in your relationships.
It must be emphasized, though, that it’s not bad per se to be nice to others, especially to the right people. Not at all. It’s highly recommended, actually. There seems to be a short supply of nice people in this dog-eat-dog world we live in. So when you choose to be generally nice, you’re doing all of us a favor.
However, being too nice is another thing. It ruins the balance of things, and could hurt you so deeply that it scars you for life. Pleasing others on their own terms and in their own time is not the key to true happiness.
There are lots of abusive people out there who don’t deserve your “yes” and Close-up smile. Draw the line somewhere.You do yourself a great disservice if you allow them to take you and your resources for granted all the time. Learn to say “no” when you need to.
Remember: Good accounting makes good friends just as good fences make good neighbors.
TIDBITS: Filipino Canadian opinion blogger BW wrote a related entry entitled “Are You Too Nice?” in his Nov. 11 post, based on a Web article he stumbled upon just recently.
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5 Responses to “When being too nice is no longer a virtue”
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This is really a very interesting expositions about how being ovrly nice could be hindrance sometimes and even a source of conflict. Buffalo Wings has a similar post about this issue.
I believe that there hould be a balance on how one interrelate with others, even with close friends for without this compromise, relationships becomes frayed.
I even remember having a co-worker who had become so lax and mindless just because our boss was so nice and respectful, like couldn’t even break a glass. I learned rom taht experinced before, to never be too pleasant at work or else, that’ll be a source of abuse.
“depression, anxiety, addictions, eating disorders, guilt problems, shame issues, marital struggles, and what-have-you — find their root in conflicts with boundaries.”
I totally agree with the boundary concept. The irony is, most Pinoys view the boundary you set as aloofness. Sometimes if you say no because you are unable to help, they feel bad. Culture really plays a big part on this being nice business.
Major Tom, yes, BW has a similar post about this (I actually wrote that in the postscript part of my post), and I told him about the coincidence concerning our blog topic.
You mentioned a key word there: “balance.” Indeed, there should be balance in everything, especially when it comes to relationships. And setting boundaries includes our relationship with our family and friends (especially our family and friends, actually). I think your boss was too afraid to offend anyone. As a result, people would take him for granted.
BW, I agree with you. In our culture, parang it’s a crime pa to say “no.” People get easily offended when, say, you can’t lend them money or can’t do a favor for them due to very valid reasons. It’s not really healthy. And the psychological effects prove just that.
This reminds me of Filipino clinical psychologist Dr. Honey Carandang’s concept of the “Tagasalo” (roughly translated, savior) personality in families. This is the person who tries to tackle all the problems and stresses in the family just to hold it all together. In a sense, the person is already being “too nice” for the family which makes it almost acceptable and an unselfish thing to do in our cuotures. However, the lack of healthy boundaries for the “tagasalo” will eventually bog him or her down and s/he won’t be able to save the family anymore.
Sining, I agree: the “tagasalo” (savior) will eventually feel the effects of not setting clear boundaries with his/her family in due time. I remember the former caregiver of my Dad — she has an unemployed husband (“batugan”) and nine grown-up children who are really lazy and “inutil.” She does all the work for them and they, in turn, have become too dependent on her (a classic case of having the Messiah complex). When I was in Manila last year for a family visit, she would be absent at work (our home) for weeks on end just because she had to attend to the needs of everyone in her family (her kids would even drop by our house to ask money from her). Eventually, she lost her job because my Mom would not hire her anymore because she had become totally unavailable and, therefore, unreliable.