When being too nice is no longer a virtue

Perhaps your parents had told you repeatedly in the past that you should always be nice and polite in your dealings with other people — be it your relatives, neighbors, schoolmates, teachers, officemates, and everyone in your sphere of influence.

“Remember to greet all the guests lest you offend anyone,” your Mom had probably told you during your birthday party.

“Don’t ever say no to your relatives’ requests. That’s impolite.”

“Always smile. It’s not good to show to others you’re upset with something.”

And so on and so forth.

Their point was, we should always be nice regardless of the discomforts or inconveniences some circumstances (and people) bring. Well, at least, that’s what you had been told by your respected elders and something you eventually believed in. This is particularly true in Asian cultures.

But when does being nice become an impediment in your relationship with others? The answer: When it already affects and stifles your self-growth.

It’s not advisable to be too nice to people all the time; one should set healthy boundaries. Being someone else’s doormat does not do any good to your well-being as a person. People take advantage of you, and that’s not a good thing. On the one hand, you don’t get the respect that you deserve as an individual and, as a result, you succumb to depression and/or lose self-confidence. On the other hand, you encourage others to become insensitive and ungrateful takers of your love, time, energy and money, which is a bad thing.

In their book Boundaries: When to Say Yes and When to Say No, psychologists and inspirational speakers Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend write that having clear boundaries in one’s relationships is crucial to having a healthy, balanced lifestyle. They discuss what boundaries are, how they are developed, and how to use them.

Cloud and Townsend emphasize that it’s important to draw the line in our relationships. They write: “Just as homeowners set physical property lines around their land, we need to set mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual boundaries for our lives to help us distinguish what is our responsibility and what isn’t…The inability to set appropriate boundaries at appropriate times with the appropriate people can be very destructive.”

The authors add that many Christians struggle with “tremendous confusion about when it is appropriate to set limits” and raise the following questions when faced with their obvious lack of boundaries (the book addresses these questions):

1. Can I set limits and still be a loving person?
2. What are legitimate boundaries?
3. What if someone is upset or hurt by my boundaries?
4. How do I answer someone who wants my time, love, energy, or money?
5. Why do I feel guilty or afraid when I consider setting boundaries?
6. How do boundaries relate to submission?
7. Around boundaries selfish?

Unfortunately, misinformation about the Bible’s answers to these questions has led to lots of wrong teaching about boundaries, Cloud and Townsend claim. In addition to this, they say that many clinical psychological symptoms — e.g., depression, anxiety, addictions, eating disorders, guilt problems, shame issues, marital struggles, and what-have-you — find their root in conflicts with boundaries.

While the book was written by Christian psychologists for Christian readers, everyone can benefit from the nuggets of psychological information, supplemented by Biblical wisdom, on a highly universal topic such as conflicts in relationships. Cloud and Townsend, after all, are psychologists by profession, who have used their expertise to help those miserably trapped in boundary-less relationships.

Now, reflect on how you manage your relationships. Are you pleasing your spouse too much at the expense of your personal preferences and inclinations? Are you always the one contacting your ‘friend,’ who seems to be not too keen to return your calls and answer your e-mails because “he/she is too busy and swamped with work”? Do you always find yourself in situations when you always say “yes” to people when, deep inside, you really want to say “no”? Do you always feel you have to work hard for your friendships or other relationships on a super-pleaser mode? If you have answered “yes” to most or all of these questions, then it’s time for you to take control of your life and set healthy boundaries in your relationships.

It must be emphasized, though, that it’s not bad per se to be nice to others, especially to the right people. Not at all. It’s highly recommended, actually. There seems to be a short supply of nice people in this dog-eat-dog world we live in. So when you choose to be generally nice, you’re doing all of us a favor.

However, being too nice is another thing. It ruins the balance of things, and could hurt you so deeply that it scars you for life. Pleasing others on their own terms and in their own time is not the key to true happiness.

There are lots of abusive people out there who don’t deserve your “yes” and Close-up smile. Draw the line somewhere.You do yourself a great disservice if you allow them to take you and your resources for granted all the time. Learn to say “no” when you need to.

Remember: Good accounting makes good friends just as good fences make good neighbors.

TIDBITS: Filipino Canadian opinion blogger BW wrote a related entry entitled “Are You Too Nice?” in his Nov. 11 post, based on a Web article he stumbled upon just recently.